if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.