*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Me irl
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice