If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Okay
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law