If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
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The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
People buying plungers never look happy.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.