if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
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My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN