If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
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my fav colour is also hitler
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight