If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
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friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.