@carlyken

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

@hunkybloodydory

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

@TweetPotato314

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

@blonde_opinion

Me to myself (in my head) : not my monkeys, not my circus.

Me: becomes ringmaster

@TheCatWhisprer

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

@sixthformpoet

I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.

@DjJazzyJeffro

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

@AnitaHelmet

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over