If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

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Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?


I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.


The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.


Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.


Me to myself (in my head) : not my monkeys, not my circus.

Me: becomes ringmaster


Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.


I can never tell if a mother duck is being dutifully followed by her ducklings or chased by a gang of young duck criminals.


A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!


My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”


me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over