if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
#oldknees
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.