*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
He’s cranky this morning
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over