@CruisinSoozan

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

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@sixfootcandy

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

@3sunzzz

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

@deedles420

My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I’ve never even seen a werewolf.

@jordan_stratton

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

@TheBoydP

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

@NintenDom

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

@kaitlinmaarie

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

@pilau

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please