@CruisinSoozan
@sixfootcandy
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
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@sixfootcandy
@3sunzzz
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
@OtherDanOBrien
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
@AntiJokeCat
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
@deedles420
My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I’ve never even seen a werewolf.
@jordan_stratton
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
@TheBoydP
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
@NintenDom
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
@kaitlinmaarie
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
@pilau
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please