@DurtMcHurtt

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

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@frankzulla

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

@TheToddWilliams

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

@JustDontBugMe

[First Date]

M: Hi!

Him: Hi, I’m Chandler, I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.

M: Oh really? *winks*

H: You look beautiful today.

@murrman5

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already?

ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it’s a mystery I guess

@kimtopher22

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

@scorpicpanda

{at fancy restaurant}

Waiter: *pulls out chair*

Me: “Don’t make this weird, dude.”

@rockymomax

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

@kfoagkfoag

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!