If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
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When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes