If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
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[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
The pasta is now
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Me as a therapist: omg same
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.