If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
You Might Also Like
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
#Thanos #MondayMood
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.