If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

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Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic


“I’m gonna cramp your style.” – Menstruation


You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.


I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.


I couldn’t be trusted with a time machine. I’d get killed going back and testing whether or not Velociraptors really could open doors.


Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.


My friend’s crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat’s litter box, they’re not that good.


My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.