If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
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Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Herpes is trending, good job people
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
That lamp looks PISSED.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.