Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Me doing the macarena dance
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem