If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
What even happened today?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city