@2014longview

If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.

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@J_Dazzle76

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

@usermcuserface

I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.

@Browtweaten

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

@_davidlucas_

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

@withanewname

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

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@IanDouglasTerry

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

@callie_cakes

PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.

@maryfairybobrry

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.