Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’m giving up for Lent.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Me trying to reach for my goals
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.