If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
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♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
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me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”