If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?