If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
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(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
me irl
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.