it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical