@tweeterreader36

If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.

If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.

- @tweeterreader36

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@Skoog

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

@_Awwsomeness_

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

@LizHackett

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

@don_haworth

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

@therealeatwood

Call me old-fashioned but I think a woman should use her mouth for its intended purpose: for carrying her babies as cats carry their kittens

@SarcasticAlly12

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

@llvvzz

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.