The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
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After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
not seeing the problem
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Just me?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.