If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.

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5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.


First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.


Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders


Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.


To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.


I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.


“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car


[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.


A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they’re like, “Why are you showing me photos? I’m a dog.”