Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.