@tweeterreader36

If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.

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@suzieQ0007

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

@dannyboy7813

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

@chicnlil1

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

@UncleBob56

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

@neiltyson

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

@PaperWash

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

@Reverend_Scott

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

@joeljeffrey

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

@juliussharpe

A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they’re like, “Why are you showing me photos? I’m a dog.”