Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
the three genders
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.