Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.