@Marlebean

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

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@JohnLyonTweets

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

@RamblingMachine

A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.

@skickwriter

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

@TweetPotato314

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

@ChaseMit

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

@DanMentos

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic