I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
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Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
No. He’s not coming out to play
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Sign of the day..
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.