If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.

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8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”


Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?


If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.


Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts


*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?


HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful


You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.


Not to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.


The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.