8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.
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Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary’s garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby’s parking lot?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Not to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
There’s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?