If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
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I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”