@daimonic0

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

- @daimonic0

You Might Also Like

@sixthformpoet

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

@3sunzzz

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

@GianDoh

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

@BritXNic

*Slowly breaks up with you, word by word, during a game of Scrabble.

@AndyAsAdjective

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

@stephenjmolloy

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

@batkaren

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash