if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
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Sign at work today
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
uncle dave has been through hell
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.