if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
You Might Also Like
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
✌🏽
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.