I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER