@Wakenbake77

if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had

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@Reverend_Scott

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

@P1ssed_K1d

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@Jayson_Two_time

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

@Bob_Janke

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

@mommajessiec

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

@DepecheALAmode

Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.

@briangaar

Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”

@MarlonBrandNO

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

@ventivodkacran

…and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for “I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don’t You Care That I’m Dying”

@Tmoney68

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.