CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
if you come trick or treating at my house you will leave with less candy than what you had
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Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.
Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
…and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for “I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don’t You Care That I’m Dying”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.