“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

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My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.


I can relate to people who say they need to rest so they can recover after a tough workout. I feel exactly the same after a heavy meal.


If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.


“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.


Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.


anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer


*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac


Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.


Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.