@Fred_Delicious

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

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@KatieKatCubs

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

@KKAlThani

I can relate to people who say they need to rest so they can recover after a tough workout. I feel exactly the same after a heavy meal.

@tastefactory

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

@vineyille

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

@notalogin

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

@3_livi

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

@rickolantern

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

@OMGSoOverIt

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

@jjhartinger

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.