@Fred_Delicious

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

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@krisv_723

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

@EndhooS

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

@intellegint

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

@LaLa_Lyds

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

@jctwritesstuff

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

@Divergentmama

I’m not worried about toilet paper, but if I go to the store and my coffee creamer is gone, we are going to have issues.

@junejuly12

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@amydillon

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

@molly7anne

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)