“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep