“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”


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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor


I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards


a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock


Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.


Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”


A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”


She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that


friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka