@myqkaplan

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

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@retardedwriter

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

@jamisondg1

I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards

@leyawn

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

@JohnielDan

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

@RobDenBleyker

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

@NeinQuarterly

A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”

@tsm560

She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that

@ObscureGent

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka