“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.