Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Strange
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
The little toadstool has spoken.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint