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@better_off_dad

Marriage counselor: So, what are we dealing with here?

Me: Irreconcilable differences.

Her: Football & beer.

@markleggett

A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.

@alexlumaga

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

@T_Bonezzz_

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

@TheTweetOfGod

“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

@Brianhopecomedy

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

@SgunSuperman

It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.