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Marriage counselor: So, what are we dealing with here?

Me: Irreconcilable differences.

Her: Football & beer.


A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.


Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*


*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick


“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.


When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.


It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.