Marriage counselor: So, what are we dealing with here?
Me: Irreconcilable differences.
Her: Football & beer.
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A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Calls in sick
“Why do bad things happen to good people?” To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
When you lie on your resume but still get the job…
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.