If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
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Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.