@SamGrittner

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

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@81I2

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail

@csmith5050

Do white boys with dreadlocks know about Garnier Fructis?

@Marlebean

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

@WheelTod

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.

@TheThomason

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

@cambuslad

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

@kylegaddo

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

@OllyiConic

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

@Parker_Simpson

I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”