Kiss her in the middle of her sentence
chicks dig when you visit them in jail
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
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Do white boys with dreadlocks know about Garnier Fructis?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”