@SamGrittner

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

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@CulturedRuffian

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

@dlicj

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

@AnotherFunnyGuy

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

@girl_a_whirl

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

@RickAaron

My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.

Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”