If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
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I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
#FunnyLife Insects
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Just so funny
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?