@MomofTeen: It's been six years since my job interview. I'm beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

@Browneyed_mama: I think my dog goes out at night to drink with her doggie friends. At least she can't drive because that would be ridiculous.

@joejwest: [on date] ME: I like my women like I like my wine WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink? ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please

@thejakeshenry: This dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

@CulturedRuffian: HIP-STAR WARS: Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper