If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

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I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court


Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?


My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring


My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.


My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.


Games are for those who like to restrict themselves arbitrarily to certain actions for a specified period of time in the hopes of “winning.”


wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon


I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”


[getting married]

priest: does anyone object to this union

my boss: [standing up] wait…no one said anything about a union