I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
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Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*
My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Games are for those who like to restrict themselves arbitrarily to certain actions for a specified period of time in the hopes of “winning.”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
priest: does anyone object to this union
my boss: [standing up] wait…no one said anything about a union