Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by