If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
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“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
#Caturday
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.