@thatdutchperson

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

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@WheelTod

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

@sofarrsogud

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

@FrenulumBreve

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

@JasonBanksComic

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

@Darlainky

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

@TheCatWhisprer

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

@caithuls

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?