“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
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My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
The news in a nutshell.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I would like even faster food.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.