If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
You Might Also Like
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.