If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
You Might Also Like
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding