How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.
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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Are you eating Jell-O?
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[first day as midwife]
Dr: take a look at this cervix
Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?