If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.

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How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV


“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit


[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
Cool me too. I love planet earth


I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.


The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.


Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much


Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.


AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*


[first day as midwife]

Dr: take a look at this cervix

Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?