@noxxhell
@Elizasoul80
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
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@Elizasoul80
@RickAaron
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
@WhatsAGreenhorn
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
@internetluke
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
@SondraDeeMe
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
@ShanaRose21
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
@SvnSxty
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
@SirEviscerate
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
@markydoodoo
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
@KissabiX
[first day as midwife]
Dr: take a look at this cervix
Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?