@noxxhell

If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.

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@Elizasoul80

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

@RickAaron

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

@internetluke

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

@SondraDeeMe

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

@ShanaRose21

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

@SvnSxty

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

@SirEviscerate

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

@markydoodoo

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

@KissabiX

[first day as midwife]

Dr: take a look at this cervix

Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?