“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
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This is a bad sign
Google Pay be like:
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.