If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
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[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I only eat vegetarians.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.