if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
“I’m helping” 😅
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion