If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

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mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok


me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842


Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.


How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex


How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?


People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.


WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”


ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir


[Desert island]
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats