If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
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You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
😬
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.