Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
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ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My favorite type of men is ramen.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..