If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.

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Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.


[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!


I am so lazy I thought about looking at the super moon and decided 2033 isn’t even that far away


Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.


Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.


Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.


My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”


If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.


*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper