@FuckabillyRex

If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.

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@samiru27

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

@sreekyshooter

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

@captain_happen

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

@ArfMeasures

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

@TheBoydP

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

@TheToddWilliams

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

@Nikkeya08

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.