Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.
You Might Also Like
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
Me: So you guys moo
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I am so lazy I thought about looking at the super moon and decided 2033 isn’t even that far away
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
*goes into kitchen
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper
“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”