BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
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You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?